Parenting by the Book: The Rosemond Way
People often asked us who has influenced our parenting leadership style. Suffice it to say, an American columnist and author on parenting by the name of John Rosemond takes the precedent of who impacted us. Of all places, we met John Rosemond when he gave a lecture at a pediatric dental conference and he zeroed in on the behavior styles of the modern child and the parenting style (or lack thereof) in today’s culture.
He made a point for parents to stop following the latest trends, that will be gone tomorrow, and start parenting, “like grandmother used to do it.” After all, grandma’s parenting style, “had an easier time and was less stressed raising ten children, than today’s parents raising just one or two.”
Since I know this to be true, it got us to be real with ourselves that it made no sense to keep trying several different parenting approaches and instead buy into one and give all our effort and resources to one style. Hence, we were all in with Rosemond.
In essence, Rosemond said, families need to go back to a simpler time, when parents raised kids the way their parents raised them; when the Bible and the Golden Rule guided their path; when kids were raised with the “three Rs — respect, responsibility and resourcefulness.” When theories about building children’s self-esteem were nonexistent.
The reason child rearing — once a fairly straightforward, matter-of-fact affair — has become so difficult, so emotionally taxing, so beset with problems, is that instead of going to their elders for child-rearing advice, American parents have been listening to mental health professionals tell them how to raise children for more than a generation.
I’d recommend checking out his blog or audios, books and resources, but here is a great sample of what we learned from Rosemond’s discipline principles.
When disciplining your child, there are just three rules to follow, but follow them well to effectively parent:
Say things only once
Do what you can, when you can
The punishment never fits the crime
To make the three rules practical, here is a common situation we all go through. Your son, Johnny is playing with his toy cars across the living room floor and you just got a phone call that a church member needs to come over so you can finish planning the church bazaar. To get Johnny to clean up his toys in a time crunch, what do you do?
You ask, reason, plead, beg, bribe, argue, demand and possibly “just lose it.” After repeated unsuccessful “attempts” of returning to the living room to see if the job was accomplished, you bargain, “See Johnny I picked up two, now can you pick up one?” Or you beg, then bribe for an “ice cream sandwich” or argue, then you stick it to him with a weak punishment that you will fail to enforce with any intent.
But rather, what should you do? Simply, pick up his toys.
That’s right follow Rule #1. After just one request that went unheard, you pick up his toys. But as Rosemond emphasizes: do it with no grief, resentment or threat. Rosemond stresses that you do not slam them in to the toy crate, but quietly and gently get the job done and go about your business without an afterthought.
You then meet with your church friend and continue with your day, whether that be a visit to the dentist followed by shopping for groceries. At dinnertime just as Johnny has finished his meal, you politely address him with rule #2 (just punishment on your time, not in the heat of the moment).
“Johnny, all finished? Great, it’s time for you to head off to bed.”
“But, mom it’s just 7:30,” pleads Johnny. And this is where you hit him with rule #3.
“Yes, so it is. Johnny, remember earlier today when I requested that you pick up your toys and you did not. Well, my reward for picking up your toys is that you will go to bed at the completion of dinner. And not just tonight, but for the next two weeks.”
As harsh as that sounds, the punishment, according to Rosemond to be effective, must be swift, memorable and more “severe than the crime.” Rosemond is known to be controversial, but his parenting style works. Mainly, because it has worked for all the generations before this post-modern era.
It is important to remember to always “do what you can, when you can.” So many times we make ill-advised decisions or cannot control our tempers in the heat of the moment. According to Rosemond, we must remember that you can discipline hours, days, months or (for spouses) years later depending on age and maturity.
His parenting style works and his fundamentals are sound.
According to Rosemond, to shift things back on track families need to do two things.
* Restore marriage as the primary relationship in the family. “Position the marriage at the center of attention. Everything flows outward from there.” The way children understand love is through safety and security. If the marriage is sound, the children will readily allow mom or dad to come first over them.
* Put children in responsible, contributing positions in the family. Give them chores. Make them work. Put sports and activities on the back burner to homework and family commitments. Develop the virtue of citizenship.
Months later after hearing John Rosemond, I heard a parent in my office discipline her child right in front of me and the words she used I had to stop in my tracks. I instantly recognized her effective technique to get her child to obey. Sure enough it was the Rosemond way. Once you hear it, you’ll never go back.
If you like to hear more visit or check out the Rosemond's Bill of Rights for Children.
